Chief Jason's Christmas Debaucle

12/23/04

4:05 p.m.--The time that my flight to Phoenix (via Charlotte, NC) was supposed to leave from Raleigh/Durham airport.

3:05 p.m.--The time that I arrive at the airport (I really hate airports, so the less time I have to spend at them, the better!)

4:15 p.m.--USAirways (yes, I said US mother fucking Airways) personnel come on the intercom to tell it's loyal passengers that their flight has been delayed. Well no Shit.

50 minutes--The approximate time it takes to fly from Raleigh to Charlotte.

6:15 p.m.--The time my connecting flight out of Charlotte is supposed to leave for Phoenix.

4:30 p.m.--USmotherfuckingAirways announce that if your connecting flight is scheduled to leave before 6:15 p.m., then you should call 1-800-you-are-fucked.

4:30-4:45 p.m.--The duration it takes me to decided whether or not I should call the 1-800 number since technically my connecting flight does not leave before 6:15 p.m. I decide to call the number anyway.

30 minutes--The duration of time from my intial dialing of the 1-800-fuck-you-you-mother-fucking-worthless-excuse-for-a-human-being number to my actually talking to a real person from USmf'ingAirways.

Christmas Eve, sometime at night--the soonest USmotherfuckingAir would be able to get me to Phoenix.

6:00 p.m.--The time I decide to say "Fuck this noise" and leave the airport (my plane from Raleigh still had not arrived).

6:15 p.m.--When my plane was supposed to leave from Charlotte en route to Phoenix, and the time I called my parents from my car on the way home from RDU airport.

12/24/04

12:00 a.m.--When I decide I really don't want to deal with all of the bullshit at the airport again and beging to drive up to Vermont to spend Christmas with Emily and her family.

9:00 a.m.-- I call my mom and tell her I am halfway to Vermont, and when she starts crying and lamenting all of the plans she has made and how she is not going to let me ruin their Christmas (you should be telling this to USmotherfucking Airways, I thought to myself).

3:30 p.m.--I arrive at the Lake house (that's Emily's last name) in South Hero, Vermont. I chat for awhile and then decide to go take a nap. Later, we go to an advent service at her church, come home, and then collectively drink about 7 bottles of wine.

12/25/04

9:30 a.m.--when I get out of bed and join Emily's family for the opening of Christmas presents.

2:00 p.m.--When I call home and talk to my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my moth . . oops, my mom wouldn't talk to me, ON CHRISTMAS!!! Apparently she let me ruin her Christmas afterall. MotherfuckingUSmotherfuckingAirways.

Emily and her sister, Sue, left on Sunday to drive to Maryland, from which they were flying to El Salvador the next morning. I myself ended up spending Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday with Emily's sister, Mary, and her boyfriend, Paul, in Burlington, Vermont. I enjoyed it quite a bit, and actually had a really good Christmas holiday. Too bad USmotherfuckingAirways has ruined my family relations. (Not really, I am back on speaking terms with my mom now, although she did take all of my Christmas presents back. Oh well, I'm not too upset.)

Lesson learned: It is much better to drive for 28 hours than to fly during the holidays.